It seems that anyone with a degree in some form of religious studies has been taught the following techniques. If you yourself wish to argue convincingly as a Christian, simply use the following examples, and save yourself the money you would have spent giving to the estate of some TV evangelist who conned so many people out of money they could afford to build a 'college.'
The secret to forming a religious argument is simply to include the supernatural and claim that the opponent doesn't understand. God cannot be understood. God moves in mysterious ways. I've studied the Bible in college for years etc. etc. The person making the incredible claims of the supernatural tries to back foot his or her opponent by calling upon them to disprove their claims, despite the reality that they are the ones making crazy claims in the first place.
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"The Bible says that..."
"Ah, see, now that's a common misconception. The passage actually means [insert desired meaning], and it was mistranslated from Latin a few centuries ago. Having looked at the original scripture, we see that it actually means the very thing that I want it to."
"But isn't the Bible pretty clear about this? Here it says I should stone my children if they are disobedient..."
"No, you are wrong again. You are taking that word/sentence/paragraph/page/chapter out of context."
"How about here where the Bible says I should beat my kids with a rod? Doesn't that contradict the part that tells me to stone them, and is spanking okay?"
Liberal Christian: "This is a common mistake, the rod of correction is a reference to scripture and is calling the parent to teach their children scripture to correct them."
Conservative Christian: "Yes, this is a clear message from God that we need to beat our children. We don't have a rod handy so we use a belt, paddle, or other implement."
"Doesn't that contradict another part of the Bible that says..."
"Sorry, no it doesn't. The part of the Bible you are referring to was really agreeing with my position, you just have to understand the culture of the time, and the way they write. Man is fallible you know. God didn't write the Bible, He merely inspired it. Humans make mistakes."
"Doesn't the Bible talk about mythical creatures like Unicorns, that never actually existed?"
"Well it does use the word Unicorn sure, but that was a mistranslation which we've just been too lazy to correct in the past few centuries. Oddly the same mistranslation doesn't happen in other parts of the Bible, but that's just one of those pesky human mistakes..."
"How about the Earth being created in six days 6,000-10,000 years ago? You know that unless the laws of physics have changed, including constants like the speed of light, this isn't possible right?"
"Sure, the Bible says six days, but it also makes some vague reference to God existing outside of time and space, so the time specified in the Bible isn't actually a day at all. Even though the Bible does clearly define a day as the total of a day and night combined, it doesn't specify how long those time periods are. The entire universe might have conspired to work differently back then, and perhaps plants didn't need to sunlight to survive. Which would be handy since Genesis tells us that God created the plants before He created the Sun."
"I've just asked you a question which you don't know the answer to and cannot think of the appropriate excuse you were taught in God college, now what?"
"You have to understand, I just KNOW for a FACT that God is real and I have FAITH that I am right. I am going to arrogantly shit on any other religion and call the followers misguided, even those who are part of a religion that predates Christianity. God cannot be questioned, and those that question Him will be punished."
"So God doesn't really give us free will does He? The choice between obeying His every word or being sent to a torture chamber forever is like me holding a gun to your head and telling you that you can choose to hand over your money or have your brains blown out."
"Well that's just how it is. Billions of people who have already died, and billions more who don't believe in the exact same way that I do (including those who believe in Jesus, but don't do so in quite the same way as they do in my church) will burn in Hell with Satan."
"Speaking of Satan, God is infinitely powerful and could simply wish that Satan didn't exist and he would cease to be right? Sure God bet with Satan involving people's lives in the book of Job, but ultimately if God really objected to Satan, why leave him around fucking everything up? If God lets Satan live, isn't He as guilty as Satan when it comes to the 'crimes' of Satan."
"Oh you silly thing, God can't be guilty of a crime, He is perfect. He must be keeping Satan alive for some reason that we don't understand. Perhaps He is testing us."
"Speaking of testing, why does God need to 'test' people or things? God knows everything that has happened and everything that will happen. The only people who need to do tests are people who don't know what is going to happen and do a test to find out or prove a hypothesis. What use has God got with testing?"
"God gave us free will."
"Okay, well that doesn't answer the question."
"One day God will answer the question by destroying the Earth and sending unbelievers to the fiery pits of Hell."
"Isn't He supposed to be a loving God?"
"Only to those who follow Him, otherwise He is vengeful. It says so in the Bible."
"So His love is conditional upon us giving up the free will He granted us?"
"You just don't understand. I may be in a minority with my beliefs but I know I am right and will not change my mind. One day God will grant you the wisdom to seek Him out. I'll pray for you."
"If God knows everything, why pray? Doesn't He already know what you want?"
"I'm tired of this conversation. If I am right, I will get a mansion in Heaven, and if you are wrong, you will be tortured for all eternity for your evil ways."
"How can you be happy in Heaven, if you know I am being burned and tortured in Hell?"
"Well that's your choice..."
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