Twilight Has No Bite

Against my better judgment I went to see Twilight over the Thanksgiving weekend, and as I suspected, it sucked. Please note, this post may contain spoilers.

So some teenage girl (Bella) moves to another state and starts going to a new high school. Her biology class happens to contain a 17-year-old vampire (Edward), who is actually 107-years-old in human terms (he was turned in 1918).

At first Edward acts like a shy 14-year-old boy, who looks like he is constipated every time he sees his new biology partner.

Nothing really happens during the first hour of the movie, although he does save Bella's life from an out of control van that would have killed her. Of course, anyone who has seen the trailers will already have had that part of the movie spoiled for them.

Then like any good potential boyfriend, Edward begins stalking Bella when she is out with her friends. This comes in handy when she is accosted by some older boys who seem to have rape on their mind. Edward protects her from the bad men and then takes her on a date.

The relationship continues for a while, and he gradually opens up to her about being a vampire after she takes quite some time figuring out what he is. He whines about the burden of being immortal and having supernatural powers. Admits that strangely he has repeatedly attended high school over and over throughout his life (which might explain his lack of maturity).

Then a bad vampire shows up who wants to kill Bella, blah blah, Edward and his family protect her and kill the bad vampire and a few doors are left open for a sequel.

Now don't get me wrong, I do like vampire stuff. True Blood was an outstanding HBO series, and I am looking forward to the next season. But this movie wasn't even as good as The Lost Boys 2. Sure, some of the special effects were okay, but I just couldn't wrap my head around the characters in Twilight, especially Edward.

Why is this 107-year-old vampire attending high school over and over? Why does he always look like he is constipated? Why is he frightened of having sex with or even kissing his girlfriend? Why is he so insecure most of the time when he is over 100 years old? Why don't the vampires have fangs?

I had read that this was designed to be a romance for the tween / abstinence teen generation. So I guess if you are a tween girl, you might enjoy this kind of girly movie. Teen virgins can go and watch some people abstaining and feel better about their lack of maturity.

But clearly this movie is not designed to be viewed by anyone over the age of 16. It's Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, with some fake vampires. My opinion is probably in the minority though, and with the figures it has done since its release, you can expect a movie for each of the insipid books it was based upon.

Personally, I'll pass.